I've realized something just now. Just this very minute as I was stalking people on Facebook. I've just realized that the way I feel about my life right now is the same as how Seth feels when I tell him a story about something.
I enjoy telling the details of stories. Since I know how the stories end, I choose each detail specifically for how it relates to the conclusion of the story. Seth HATES this. He just wants to know how it ends. Anytime I tell a story that's more than, say, 3 sentences - he's itching to know the ending before I even get warmed up. It's quite annoying. He'll say, "Just tell me how it ends first and then go fill in the details." THE HECK? WHY would I do that? Telling the end at the beginning just allows him to tune me out when I go back and "fill in." So get settled, b/c you're listening...IN CHRONOLOGICAL ORDER, bucko.
At this moment, I have 5 solid and secure months (give or take) left in my current job. Such is the risk of working for an elected official. I'm sure I'll have the option to stay, but since I'm not a MASOCHIST, I will NOT be staying in the same position I hold currently. (OHGODHELPTHEPOORSOULWHOISNEXT). SO, once again, I find myself standing on a ledge...ready to jump on the next opportunity that looks like it could be my "forever" job/career move. However, I see no where to jump! I've got so many interests, so many things I think I could develop a great passion for and be really good at, but nothing to show as proof of my capabilities. I can't walk into an interview and be like "Truuuuuust me, dood. I'll rock this." It ain't happenin' - maybe on a referral I might come close, but not likely.
I am seriously struggling with my next move. Right now, I'm itching to write. I want to write things other than one page letters for someone else. Even though I can claim having been published, it's not me that gets the credit since it's not my name signed to those letters (although my tiny initials are in the bottom left corner!). STILL. I have been hunting for writing or copywright or editing jobs, but I haven't a clue where to look for or find them. I enjoy the solitude that comes with writing. I do enjoy being around other people in a work place, but at the same time, I mostly enjoy working independently.
Waaaaaaaaahhhhh! Why don't things just fall into my lap? Why doesn't someone read this entry and send me an email or comment saying "OMG I've got a job for you!" Why does it seem like everyone else I know gets to stay at home and NOT work? Why do I have no direction at 30 years old? Why did I just spend a year in a paralegal program and feel like I have NO interest in doing that type of work? Why can't it be easier to get your own business off the ground? Why can't I find a good job that allows me to work from home? Will any of these feelings change? ARGH.
My mom says people with high IQs are never satisfied with doing one thing in life. (She implies I'm one of those people. pshhhhhh). Frankly, I'm tired of trying to figure out what my dream is and then trying to figure out how to make it happen. At this point, my "self" is so screwed up from the effects of my current job as well as whatever else in my life that's destroyed me, that it is THAT which is holding me back the most. Then I get angry at my life circumstances (and this is where the second guessing everything rears its ugly head).
I just want to know the end of the story already. I don't want all these details, I want the dessert. I want it with a big juicy bright red cherry on top of a mound of whipped cream, then I want a gigantic spoon with which to eat it.