I've been to my psychologist for 5 sessions as of today, and I realized I've not written about how things are going since session #1. Actually, I've got one post in my drafts that I decided not to post because I went off on a tangent about girls who copy other girls and how ANNOYED it makes me. It seemed to be a tangent... until today.
Today's session ended up going in the direction of my tendency to absolutely detest people who copy me, or things I do, or anything really. I don't mean copy as in "I was inspired by you and decided to go my own way with your idea," I mean copy as in straight up you-did-the-exact-same-thing-I-did-grrrrr. I sound as if I am some queen of cool ideas - not the case - which is why it's so damn annoying when someone carbon-copies me. Being copied makes me feel like I'm being put into a competition (against myself, essentially) against my will and I. can. not. stand. that. There aren't many times I feel like I do something I can be proud of, or want to show off to someone else, so when those times come around, it's completely deflating and maddening when someone else takes the easy road and does the same thing. I just want to grab them and shake them!
Today, we talked about this tendency, and how my annoyance turns into almost a hatred. That sounds strong, but at the moment I realize something deeply personal is being taken from me in the form of a copy, it feels like raw hate. It's like a defense mechanism or something...like you're taking my clothes right off my back and I'm going to claw your eyes out to get them back. I enjoy seeing others' creativity, and like to take inspiration from them, but I certainly don't set out to copy verbatim (so to speak) what someone else does whether it be with their life, their home, their clothes, whatever. How boring for the person who is being copied! Must be what celebrity trend-setters feel like from time to time. Again, I'm no where NEAR that sort of trend-settyness, but for me, it can take ONE single, solitary person to strip "myself" from me by stealing my idea(s). I treasure any trace of uniqueness I may have, and I hope others treasure that in their selves as well. It makes me mad to see someone cop out and use someone else's "self" as their own.
ANYWAY. My therapist made note of a common thread in all the stories I've shared with her so far. I've apparently got some sort of internal war with myself which leaves me constantly feeling like I'm losing the battle. Am a loser. She says if I feel at war with myself as well as with others, to have or do everything everyone else has, then I'm constantly going to disappoint myself and feel as if I have lost and that they are better than me for having won. She's SO RIGHT. And I know this. I know I don't focus on myself at times that are most critical which is probably why I second-guess myself so often, and why I feel like whatever choice I make is probably not the right one and I will regret it later. It's a vicious cycle in which it sucks to be in the middle. Today's session was a bit of an AH-HA moment, but certainly not the fix-all, end-all of my issues.
Last week, she had me go home, get on my elliptical and do an assessment of how I was feeling physically while I was on it. She wanted me to focus on me the entire time I was on the machine. I admitted to her on Thursday that I didn't see the point, that I didn't know what I was looking for, but that I did it anyway and gave her a report. She told me I did great and said that clearly, when I'm on that thing I'm not feeling good and that my mind is anywhere BUT on myself. It's on the clock, it's on the TV show I'm going to watch when I get off this thing, it's on tomorrow. She helped me realize I'm not focusing on me and she asked me what types of physical things I like to do that feel good to my body (minds out of gutters, people!). I told her I really couldn't think of anything at the moment until I remembered - PILATES! I described to her how I had worked with an instructor almost a year ago and how those sessions were...amazing. I found it SO interesting to do Pilates movements and breathing and how very FOCUSED on myself I had to be in order to successfully do the movements, stretches and breathing. I had to quit b/c it was $60 freaking dollars a session! She mentions trying Yoga. Again, I have a bit of an ah-ha moment. Perhaps I should be trying exercise in which I focus all my attention on ME and which feels good to mah bod-ee! She told me not to be too quick to recruit Yoga as my next life-changing experience, but to be open to the idea and look into it.
Maybe I'm not the running, sweating, iron-pumping type of girl I thought I should be in order to lose weight and feel better. Maybe what's best for me are the calm, self-focusing, and challenging activities which will help me get in touch with me, because I am, afterall, the most important person in my world.