Today, it occurred to me that I've been holding back from posting as often as I actually consider posting. I write on this here blog for myself because I really have no idea who's out there reading my blabberings so I really don't try to cater to an audience of whose members I know not. In any case, I stop myself from posting at times because it seems that generally I would be posting negative thoughts.
My thought process tends to be as follows: grrr - I should write - nah, people will find it negative and think I'm not fun to read - oh, wait, I don't know who reads this, why should I care? - well, just in case, I'll skip it. Right now, I have exactly 2 drafts that I have yet to post, one of which I wrote the day after my last session with my therapist. It's been in the drafts for over a week and I'm not sure it'll make it to primetime on the big screen. (Side note: I have another appointment tomorrow and I'm going in the late afternoon so we'll see which time I prefer and which feels better. Mornings have their perks, but then again, leaving work early is a hell of a perk!)
It also occurred to me that many bloggers out there are writing for fairly small audiences made up mostly of family and friends as a fun way to keep people "in the know" without having to compose an email and remember to send it to specific people, or having to make nintytrazillion phone calls which...is, like, soooooo 90s, heh. These blogs tend to be cheery and mostly "hey! look what I'm up to, ain't it great?!" I get that - mine mostly started out as that - until I realized I hardly ever posted and would leave huge gaps of time between posts. If I waited until something great or happy or spectacular happened to me then I'd never post because life just isn't that swell on a daily basis. I'm now trying to post more about my real life as opposed to just highlighting the....well, highs....and pretending the lows don't exist. STILL, I've not been posting as much as I *think* about posting and I wonder if, in fact, my blog might be more interesting if I posted as the real me rather than the edited me.
Writing is much like exercise for me as far as this (we)blog goes. I want INSTANT results (or readers in this case) and because it take just an ounce of work to get there - I give up quickly - because FAILING is what I'm best at. It seems the only thing I can do is NOT do something. I've yet to lose weight by working at it (hi, my Mom weights 35 pounds LESS than I do - yeah, HOW'D I get here?), I've yet to make friends because it requires work and discomfort and awkwardness and bleeeeeeeeeeeh, and I've yet to freaking decide already what it is that I want to do with my life. Hello? I'm 30. What's the deal? I should know this by now - or at least I thought that was how life would work after college. News flash - NO. SUCH. LUCK. I still have no clear direction or passion in life and no real sign of it coming anytime soon. If money and paying the bills didn't matter then it'd be different, but they do, and I can't just quit and stay home and figure it out.
Anyway - tangent! Things like blogs and Facebook pages and all that new "check out my life" stuff that's emerged recently that helps us all stay in touch and reconnect, is like going back to high school all over again. As much as I love it, its mostly just another way to feel crappy (or great) about yourself. For the most part, there are people I look at and don't feel compelled to compare myself to them or their current lives, but I suppose I'm a product of the environments in which I grew up in. Kids I went to high school and middle school with had parents making gobs of money, they got new cars at 16, they got voted onto homecoming court and every other court imaginable, and they were loved by all (or so everyone thought). I still can't help but play the game we all played in high school. If you think adults are over the high school drama crap - just look at American politics - could it be anymore of a popularity contest? Unfortunately, voters have no clue WHAT they are voting for, they just get sucked into the WHO for the most part.
These internet worlds allow me see who is successful in their careers, who has how many umpteen babies, and who has traveled the world, and while that's all swell and fabulous, I find myself wondering - but are they HAPPY? I wonder what impression my Facebook page gives off? Do people think I'm happy? Successful? Enjoying life? It's all just a facade. Not for me personally, but for everyone. The truth is, no one can tell from your Facebook page or your blog what is truly going on in your life - unless you share it. So here I am, sharing the fact that I'm 30 and not exactly happy or successful. I shouldn't be afraid to write that for fear of exposing myself - it's MY LIFE. Hiding it through happy stories on my blog doesn't make it any easier to deal with - in fact it makes it harder.
I certainly don't want to be the author of the blog of gloom, but hopefully, (with a little help from a highly-trained medical mental health professional), I'll begin to see the light in my life and find a bit of direction and happiness. There's much more to my personal story that really only my husband and family know about. Just last week in a conversation with my mom, I cried and told her I just needed a friend- a girl-friend - but those don't come easily, and I'm still on the hunt for a friend I can trust. But I do take comfort in knowing that if I'm trying to hide my "real life" by posting happy camper-esque posts on my blog, then probabaly a lot more people out there are doing the same thing. I should be allowed to have a bad day or dark times - that shouldn't mean I have to worry that my readers will run for the hills in search of a perpetually happy blog. If that's all you're looking for - then perhaps you ain't in the right place.