10.01.2008

Stupid is as stupid writes

One of my responsibilities at work is handling the email. We get hundreds of emails a day on average and perhaps thousands if there's a hot topic. A while back, I started collecting snippets from the dumbest of the dumb, the most ignorant of the ignorant, and the funniest of the funny emails in a Word document. We have a "Wall of Shame" here in the office where we pin up the best, weirdest, stupidest, and craziest letters on a bulletin board. It's so full it's 4 or 5 letters deep in most spots. When I first started working here, you could see the background of the bulletin board, but now it just looks like a mess of letters and papers. Truly hilarious if you take the time to read them all. Here's a visual:


Yes, that's a drawing of a Basset Hound with a pacifier in its mouth saying "Home School Sucks," and that sandwich on the right says "Education is a bologna sandwich," and the small postcard near the top is some woman's real-life model of a "Solar Bath House" which has bizarre details such as a skull hanging from a post by the stairs and a carousel hanging on the side of the house for no apparent reason. Lastly, yes, those are leprechauns someone knitted and mailed in on the upper left.



Because I have nothing any more interesting to write than what follows, I've decided to unveil these snippets today. I've provided my personal commentary in italics where necessary (pretty much everywhere). None of the snippets below have been altered in any way, shape or form from the original:

___________________________________


I have a cimpaint with the DMV.




I have been trying to get help on going to college but I keep getting turned down for help. I seen on your tv ad that is it no excuse nobody in North Carolina cannot attend college. (It's completely unclear as to why this person is having trouble getting (in)to college)



My mother is left at home with 5 kids and one on the way. She has sugar and her health is bad. (Her having sugar must be tough on the family)



You can't possibly know what going to North Carolina in 1995 did to my life. (That's the entire email)



(This is from a phone call) "Um, Sen. D's office told me to call ya'll. They said that they are federal and you are state. Um, I don't know what that means, but I need ya'lls heyulp."


I AM NOT ASKING YOU TO PARDON HIM I AM JUST ASKING YOU TO LOOK AT HIS CASE AND CONSIDER A FULL PARDON FOR HIM. (Oh....OK. I see the distinction.)




Stupid ways to spell “gouging”:
GOUGHING
Gowlging
Gauging


Office Favorite: One person writes that they have Grandma seizures (rather than grand mal seizures)




While my husband were having breakfast at Brueggers on Saturday, a heavy-set black woman came in, made a purchase, then left in the same State vehicle in which she had arrived. Neither I nor my husband feels this is appropriate use of our tax dollars. I would appreciate a response/explanation. (How DARE that State Employee have the NERVE to EAT while WORKING ON A SATURDAY! Did she cause you to look up from your newspaper as you sat in a chair drinking coffee in your sloppy Saturday gear? I'm so sorry. I'm also pretty sure the "heavy-set black woman" about whom you write would be more than happy to cut that millionth of YOUR penny that paid for her to drive that State car and stuff it back in your pinched, sweaty, Republican fingers)



I would also like to get the general statue number, that says he, has to call a certain amount of people in a months time to full-fill his obligation as Governor. (HA!)


My friend told me about a program called "Blah blah blah Page" where the blah blah blah gives a certain "academic" student money to visit and take notes at museums. Is this true? If so how do I go about doing so? (HA!)



I can't even believe these folks - there's soooo much more than this to share, I wish I could post everything we come across that was ridiculous, but the internets would shatter under the sheer volume of stupidity and that might make Al Gore cry.




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