Four years ago yesterday Seth proposed.  I didn't remember it yesterday, but something reminded me of it when I got to work this morning.

At the time, I was working as a Residence Director at Meredith College and was busy closing the dorms for Thanksgiving break.  I was also taking some courses in Interior Design so I remember being SO ready for a break. It felt just like when I was in college the first time around - professors loaded us up with with tests and projects due just days before a big holiday break. I kept telling myself "If I can just make it 2 more days, I'll be done." It was a super-busy and stressful time being responsible for completing a big project, studying for tests, and making sure 120 some girls got out of the dorm safely and quickly.

If I remember correctly, November 23, 2004, was a Tuesday. Seth and I had spend the previous Sunday not exactly happy with each other and to this day, I have no idea why. Tuesday was the day before the dorms closed for Thanksgiving and I had planned to head to Seth's townhouse in Apex to hang out to celebrate being done with exams and projects.  Seth called me while I was driving over and he was particularly interested in where exactly I was and how long until I thought I'd be at his house. It seemed a little strange, but he must have been able to offer up some sort of reasonable explanation for his odd questioning, so I thought nothing of it.

When I got to the house, I pulled up by the curb out front as usual and headed to the front door. Just to set the scene, our old townhouse had a completely open floor plan downstairs. There were 3 rooms each separated by only partial walls. Upon opening the front door you'd be in the living room, which was separated by a half-wall from the dining room, which was separated by a wall with a large pass-through to the kitchen. So, I opened the front door and went inside. I didn't see Seth, but saw that he had set the dining room table complete with candles and either wine or sparkling cider, and I could smell dinner cooking. Most of it was already on the table. However, no Seth. I thought, "How sweet!" and I called for him thinking he was upstairs...but no answer. Then I thought he must have run across the street to grab the mail while he was waiting for me to arrive. Hmm.

The thought of a proposal had not entered my mind for one single, solitary second. For each question in my head, I was able to come up with a completely reasonable answer or explanation. And then the doorbell rang. I answered it and it was Seth. Still no proposal red flags went up. I remember looking at him like "What the heck are you doing?" and tried to pull him inside. I thought he was trying to make up for our previous Sunday tiff. I was STILL clueless and he was resisting me pulling him inside. Then, he pulled a gorgeous bouquet of a dozen roses from behind his back and in one swift motion got down on one knee right there on our front porch with the door wide open.

DING! DING! DING! I think my proposal alarm finally went off at that point and I covered my face and cried. He said a bunch of sweet things that I wish I could remember and then opened the box to reveal the ring I had picked out months ago. It was a crazy, surreal moment that I can still see so vividly today. There was a recliner right by the door and I remember having to sit down. That's when he put the ring on my finger and I couldn't stop staring at it. My stomach was so full of butterflies that I couldn't eat the dinner Seth made for us! I think he ate it all by himself and then we rushed out to go visit his parents and mine to share the great news! It was a fun night.

This time of year is full of anniversary-type events for us. Starting with our engagement anniversary (which I'm not usually that good at remembering, but it's fun when I do), then Seth's birthday on the 29th and then our wedding anniversary on December 3rd. Throw in there Thanksgiving and Christmas and we've got a fun couple of months full of celebrations. We'll be celebrating our 3rd wedding anniversary next week and I'm happy to report that even 3 short years later, I still know I married the world's greatest man :) Thanks for loving me Sethie! I know it's not been easy, but I appreciate and love you more than you know. MUAH!


Guilty posting

It has been a week.

I've not posted in over a week and aside from actually having a pretty interesting week, I haven't wanted to post anything.  The lack of interest in posting is due to a Saturday of random anger that's too complicated (and frankly, NOYB) to go into detail about, a Monday panic attack at work that sent me home, a Tuesday at home (thanks Veterans!), and a Wednesday appointment with the therapist at which I finally felt like I got through to her. I hate feeling like every post will be about something sad and pathetic like my issues with anxiety, however, that's the main thing that consuming my life right now so I suppose I don't have a choice when it comes to exciting topics for entries. I'm forcing myself to post today so I won't lose all my loyal readers. heh.

So...Monday. I came to work same as any day. A little back-story is that last year I was having some trouble with low blood-sugar and after a few appointments with my doctor, determined I wasn't eating the right things in the mornings and changed up my AM consumption to anything with protein rather than carbs.  Monday, I knew we were low on food and that I didn't have my trust yogurt to take to work for a snack but I thought I'd be OK for one more day until I could hit up the grocery store on my Tuesday off. Around 11:30 I started having those telltale signs of a sugar drop which kicks my adrenaline into high gear and makes me feel all shaky and jittery and it's so not fun. I call Seth and ask him to bring me something to drink and snack as I had nothing at work and no cash. Usually eating fixes it after about 15 minutes or so, but this time, I couldn't snap out of it and it felt like it was getting worse. Long story short, Seth and I went home early. I knew I had probably panicked about feeling bad and just made it worse. I was pretty much fine by the time I got home. So...that threw me off and I was really disappointed in myself for losing control.

Tuesday was mostly fine. I needed to go to the grocery store and even this simple task ended up being challenging. Seth and I usually run our errands together, but sometimes there's no need for both of us to go or Seth just isn't in the mood to go. In the past, no problem - I'd go alone occasionally. Now, I worry that each thing I do outside of my normal schedule will cause anxiety and possibly panic. I spent about 45 minutes convincing myself to go. I was mentally pushing myself out the door. I think the previous day's events were making it harder, too.  I eventually went...by myself...and all was fine.

Wednesday was back to work. Seth had to take the CR-V to the body shop to get an estimate on the damage on our rear-ending from last Thursday so that meant I was going to work alone rather than our usual carpool. I was so nervous to go back to work. I was scared that I might have a repeat of Monday. Again, I made it to work (although very nervous and anxious) and got through the day OK.

Thursday I had an appointment with my therapist. I missed about 20 minutes of our appointment because we somehow missed each other when I came in and she thought I wasn't there. I told her of my Monday episode and was able to get a lot of things said and they came out clearly. Sometimes I struggle to make myself clear with her because I feel such a need for her to FULLY understand me without misinterpreting the things I say. I went with the intention of asking her if she thought it would be OK for me to not come back to her for a couple of weeks and to have a chance to regroup. Our weekly appointments are a source of anxiety for me as well and I told her I wanted to go a couple of weeks knowing I had nothing to be anxious about. She agreed and said we could try that. WHEW. I go back the day before mine and Seth's 3 year anniversary.  I hope I can report good things to her rather than bad. I told her I felt like I was getting worse at an incredibly fast pace but that I felt it was because I was talking about it with her and had become hyper-sensitive and super-aware of things that make me anxious. Anxiety has been popping up everywhere!

Then....we had the "medication" talk. She can't prescribe since she's not a psychiatrist, but she asked me if I was on any medications for my anxiety. I tell her no and then we have the discussion. Thankfully, it didn't come up as, "Wow, Kelley. You're a freaking freak. You need to be heavily medicated." It came up almost as if she assumed I was already taking something and wondered what it was. She was very kind about the subject and thinks I could use something "as needed" and not something I'd take every day. I'm going to call my doctor about getting a prescription. I just hope that doesn't prompt THEM to make me come in for an evaluation. Doctors and nurses can be so cold and judgemental sometimes. I know they deal with whining patients all day long, but that's no excuse for treating me like I'm an idiot who has no idea how to tell what's going on with my own body and mind.

Friday - that's today - has been fine. Thank goodness for Fridays. With each passing day and week, I'm getting closer to the end of this job. The new Governor will be inaugurated on January 10th so there's finally a hard date on which this administration will cease to exist and it's sooner than I was expecting. I hope that within the next month or few weeks I'll have some idea as to what my next job will be and for whom I'll be working if not the next Governor.


I can't avoid this title: Yes We DID


I've not quite known what to say about the election. I've been overwhelmed with the task of writing (for my own historical blogging record) about my feelings regarding the historic outcome of the 2008 Presidential Election. To wrap words around the sheer volume of my emotions about our great new President-Elect, Barack Obama, is to wrap words around the universe. I haven't felt I could do it justice for myself, so, I've decided to let pictures speak the thousands of words I just can't seem to find:

[caption id="attachment_377" align="aligncenter" width="500" caption="Crowd at Grant Park"]crowd1[/caption]

[caption id="attachment_385" align="aligncenter" width="500" caption="New York City"]nyc[/caption]

[caption id="attachment_386" align="aligncenter" width="500" caption="Athens, Greece"]girl1[/caption]

[caption id="attachment_387" align="aligncenter" width="500" caption="Obama's former school in Jakarta, Indonesia"]jakarta1[/caption]

[caption id="attachment_388" align="aligncenter" width="500" caption="Grant Park, Chicago"]grantpark1[/caption]

[caption id="attachment_389" align="aligncenter" width="500" caption="Denmark"]denmakr1[/caption]

[caption id="attachment_390" align="aligncenter" width="500" caption="Tears of joy"]Tears of joy[/caption]

It's a privilege and so wonderful and so incredible to be alive at this great moment in US history. Not only has our country elected its first African-American President, but we've moved into some sort of new era in terms of the way our nation feels about its President. Perhaps it's the fact that we've been "led" (I use the term as loosely as it can possibly be used) by a man who is clearly one of the worst Presidents in history for the last 8 years. Our nation forgot how good it feels to be proud of its President and the feeling is overwhelming.

It feels good to feel good again. It feels amazing to be proud of America again. On Election night Seth and I stayed up until after Obama's victory speech. We were constantly flipping news channels and checking our favorite news web sites for updates and information throughout the night. I kept saying it felt like New Year's Eve and everyone was just waiting for the ball to fall. When that moment came it was so great. "Great" - such a wussy choice of a word for such a strong feeling.  I can't even chose better words because none of them seem worthy of Obama.  I had so many emotions but had no clue what to do with them. We, like so many other Americans, cried tears of pride, joy, and enormous hope when President-elect Obama gave his speech. What a proud moment. I still get all weepy when I hear clips of his speech or I look at photos like the ones above. I absolutely can not wait to see what the man does as our next President. It's going to be awesome, I just know it.