11.14.2008

Guilty posting

It has been a week.

I've not posted in over a week and aside from actually having a pretty interesting week, I haven't wanted to post anything.  The lack of interest in posting is due to a Saturday of random anger that's too complicated (and frankly, NOYB) to go into detail about, a Monday panic attack at work that sent me home, a Tuesday at home (thanks Veterans!), and a Wednesday appointment with the therapist at which I finally felt like I got through to her. I hate feeling like every post will be about something sad and pathetic like my issues with anxiety, however, that's the main thing that consuming my life right now so I suppose I don't have a choice when it comes to exciting topics for entries. I'm forcing myself to post today so I won't lose all my loyal readers. heh.

So...Monday. I came to work same as any day. A little back-story is that last year I was having some trouble with low blood-sugar and after a few appointments with my doctor, determined I wasn't eating the right things in the mornings and changed up my AM consumption to anything with protein rather than carbs.  Monday, I knew we were low on food and that I didn't have my trust yogurt to take to work for a snack but I thought I'd be OK for one more day until I could hit up the grocery store on my Tuesday off. Around 11:30 I started having those telltale signs of a sugar drop which kicks my adrenaline into high gear and makes me feel all shaky and jittery and it's so not fun. I call Seth and ask him to bring me something to drink and snack as I had nothing at work and no cash. Usually eating fixes it after about 15 minutes or so, but this time, I couldn't snap out of it and it felt like it was getting worse. Long story short, Seth and I went home early. I knew I had probably panicked about feeling bad and just made it worse. I was pretty much fine by the time I got home. So...that threw me off and I was really disappointed in myself for losing control.

Tuesday was mostly fine. I needed to go to the grocery store and even this simple task ended up being challenging. Seth and I usually run our errands together, but sometimes there's no need for both of us to go or Seth just isn't in the mood to go. In the past, no problem - I'd go alone occasionally. Now, I worry that each thing I do outside of my normal schedule will cause anxiety and possibly panic. I spent about 45 minutes convincing myself to go. I was mentally pushing myself out the door. I think the previous day's events were making it harder, too.  I eventually went...by myself...and all was fine.

Wednesday was back to work. Seth had to take the CR-V to the body shop to get an estimate on the damage on our rear-ending from last Thursday so that meant I was going to work alone rather than our usual carpool. I was so nervous to go back to work. I was scared that I might have a repeat of Monday. Again, I made it to work (although very nervous and anxious) and got through the day OK.

Thursday I had an appointment with my therapist. I missed about 20 minutes of our appointment because we somehow missed each other when I came in and she thought I wasn't there. I told her of my Monday episode and was able to get a lot of things said and they came out clearly. Sometimes I struggle to make myself clear with her because I feel such a need for her to FULLY understand me without misinterpreting the things I say. I went with the intention of asking her if she thought it would be OK for me to not come back to her for a couple of weeks and to have a chance to regroup. Our weekly appointments are a source of anxiety for me as well and I told her I wanted to go a couple of weeks knowing I had nothing to be anxious about. She agreed and said we could try that. WHEW. I go back the day before mine and Seth's 3 year anniversary.  I hope I can report good things to her rather than bad. I told her I felt like I was getting worse at an incredibly fast pace but that I felt it was because I was talking about it with her and had become hyper-sensitive and super-aware of things that make me anxious. Anxiety has been popping up everywhere!

Then....we had the "medication" talk. She can't prescribe since she's not a psychiatrist, but she asked me if I was on any medications for my anxiety. I tell her no and then we have the discussion. Thankfully, it didn't come up as, "Wow, Kelley. You're a freaking freak. You need to be heavily medicated." It came up almost as if she assumed I was already taking something and wondered what it was. She was very kind about the subject and thinks I could use something "as needed" and not something I'd take every day. I'm going to call my doctor about getting a prescription. I just hope that doesn't prompt THEM to make me come in for an evaluation. Doctors and nurses can be so cold and judgemental sometimes. I know they deal with whining patients all day long, but that's no excuse for treating me like I'm an idiot who has no idea how to tell what's going on with my own body and mind.

Friday - that's today - has been fine. Thank goodness for Fridays. With each passing day and week, I'm getting closer to the end of this job. The new Governor will be inaugurated on January 10th so there's finally a hard date on which this administration will cease to exist and it's sooner than I was expecting. I hope that within the next month or few weeks I'll have some idea as to what my next job will be and for whom I'll be working if not the next Governor.

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