This will be a quickie update. I've been on Lexapro for 2 weeks now. What a difference time can make. During the first week I wasn't so sure I could make it. I was SO SO SO groggy and drowsy about an hour after taking it and thought this would make it difficult to have any sort of fun after 7pm. Luckily, my body has gotten used to it and I no longer have severe drowsiness. I'm not brave enough to start taking it in the mornings, though. My night routine will do just fine. I'm no longer feeling any side-effects that I can tell and overall I feel like a normal person.
I am still having mini-anxiety attacks at some of my usual trigger places, but haven't been tested to my fullest yet. That will be a job interview should I be granted one. We'll see. I can say, however, that I feel like I'm happier. It's not an overwhelming change, but I just feel a bit lighter in spirit. I'm only 2 weeks in and working on my third week which is the middle marker for the meds being fully integrated into my system. It's at least easier now that I'm not so pre-occupied with side-effects.
We're getting ready for a different kind of Christmas this year. Mostly our routine will be slightly different. We're doing Christmas morning with the McFarland's at our house this year. I'm excited to host a holiday get-together at our house and hope they like it, too. We have this new, nice, big house and I've been itching to stretch its legs and have family over. We'll be spending Christmas Eve with my parents since we don't get to see them after the holidays when we go to Pennsylvania. I think she misses having us home in the days after Christmas, but she'll take the opportunity to keep Three while we're gone in our place :)
Hope everyone has a great Christmas and New Year!
*Deep breath* I started taking Lexapro on Saturday morning. This is a step I wanted to avoid in my path to wellness, but alas, here I am 5 days deep into Lexapro. Psychiatric drugs scare the stuff out of me, but my doctor wanted me on it rather than Xanex because it's non-habit-forming and I could take it every day. I'm trying. I'm really trying. But it isn't fun...not yet anyway.
I'm not a big fan of medication you get from a pharmacist. I just don't like altering myself with medicine. I'm super-sensitive to side-effects mainly because I look for them...and wait for them...and obsess over them. It's a craziness all its own. I've never used drugs and never plan to or had any desire to. I don't understand people wanting to feel all weird and out of body. I just don't get it. However, I was feeling desperate and I'm hoping once the Lexapro fully integrates into my system (6 weeks!) that I'll go back to feeling more like a normal person, rather than a medicated version of myself. Luckily, I've found refuge in a old friend who is also taking Lexapro. The input and feedback has helped me more than I've conveyed yet so, thank you...
Here's where my mood has gone to hell. Monday, we ride into work like a normal day. However, I had some sort of weird panic attack (over what exactly, I am not sure) that scared me to death and threw off the rest of my day. It was weird and like none I've had before. I felt like I was on fire under my skin in my chest area and I felt like I was going to be sick. I had to sit in the car with the A/C on full blast for a minute before it went away. Terrible. Tuesday, I got up having taken Lexapro the night before, and just didn't want to face another day like Monday so I called in sick. I came back to work on Wednesday and from then on I swear I'm getting the cold shoulder from my co-workers. They are probably just about as sick of me as I am and everyone else around me is. They are hardly speaking to me and the 2 entire questions I've been asked in the last 2 days have been asked in that way where you can tell they are forcing themselves to ask and then they don't actually care to stick around to hear your answer. The kind of question that they hope won't require more than the generic answer they're looking for. I don't know if they feel like they need to leave me alone, but I don't care.
Screw them. I could say (and feel) worse words, but my MIL reads this and I don't want her to disown me! :) I've gone through absolute personal hell as far as I'm concerned during the last 3 years. It's progressively gotten worse starting with my current job. This is the hardest job I've ever had. Would be your average pencil-pusher type job without the phones, but answering these phones is sheer torture. If you've never done it, my stories wouldn't do the experience justice and nothing pisses me off more than people saying "Well I would've said..." or "You should say..." and then having a good haha over it all. OH SHUT UP. No one has a clue and doesn't care to have a clue. I'm that person with the life people point at and think, "I'm glad I'm not her" and then they back away slowly and change the subject. Yes, don't dare act like you're interested in someone else's life should it happen to not be all peaches-n-cream. On the other hand, there are people that try to ask me how things are, but approach me as if I'm going to break right in half if I have to utter more than 10 words. So I keep it short since clearly, you don't think I can handle a conversation.
I've gone from job woes, to emotional & personal, and anxiety & health woes during these last 3 years. I know I've been an absolute burden and PITA to my family and husband. I know everyone is so sick of me and that hurts the most. I've slowly watched people I used to talk to back away to the point that we have no contact except on few occasions. I've seen people move on, make new friends, have new lives of which I'm not a part. Even my mom who spent the better part of the last 5 years dealing with my dad's law suit is now moving into a new part of her life. I'm happy to see her happy and enjoying the company of friends she's connected with from her past. She's lost tons of weight, buys pretty clothes and things for the house and makes plans with friends. I'm happy for her, but at the same time sad, because I feel even she has left me behind in a sense. It's bittersweet because I'm so glad she's finally at a new place where she's found happiness, but at the same time, I don't feel included.
But back to my current mood and what's urking me so much today. PEOPLE. People suck. They have disappointed me over and over and over and over. People are rude, selfish, clueless, selfish, stupid, ignorant, selfish, annoying and...did I mention selfish? GRRRRRRR. I've trusted and relied on so many people so many times who did nothing but disappoint me in the end. I'm not claiming to be perfect, but I like to think I consider others whenever I can and try not to be a completely clueless jerk when it comes to other people. I could list for days, but I won't.
I'm just tired of caring and tired of being disappointed. I don't know how to be the jerk that it seems everyone else is. I'm just being me and I probably consider what other people think and want before I consider what I want. If that sounds like I'm tooting my own horn there, that is in fact the opposite of what I mean to convey. I worry about what others will think, what they'll say, what they'll like etc. way more than I should. It's a curse in that I have started just not doing anything so that people will have nothing to criticize. I would love to just walk away....walk into a new life with my husband and dogs, take them elsewhere and start over. I found myself and my confidence in New York City and I so wish I had gone there after college and become that me I found there in 1999. It was a personal high and I wish I could get there again.
I deserve better than this life I'm carving out for myself. I deserve to figure out how to "be normal" and happy and confident. I deserve more than this BS job. I'm a smart girl who has been exposed to one of the nastiest sides of human beings. I truly believe I've been affected by this work and I should file a Worker's Comp claim! I keep thinking that if I could only escape this job that I'd be able to start digging myself out of this hole. I don't even recognize myself anymore. I just know that I feel completely isolated (and abandoned) from everyone except Seth for the most part. God love him. I'm sure I'm to blame for that, but I can't help but feel like people just don't want to approach someone who is going through a hard time. So they just ignore them. Good call, idiots.
We celebrated year one by buying ourselves a puppy we named "Three" in honor of the occasion. She arrived from Missouri the Saturday after Thanksgiving and we've been in love with her ever since. The picture is one of the first we took of her the very first night we brought her home. Then we abandoned our new puppy after one week (we let her Uncle Cameron keep her since he lived next door) to take an anniversary trip to Black Mountain to stay in my Uncle Abbey's mountain cabin. We went to the Biltmore House and took a night-time Christmas tour which was fun (Diggle went, too) and something I had always wanted to do. When we got back to the cabin, I cooked a yummy meal and we brought out the top layer of our wedding cake, which was just as fabulous a year later as it was on the day of our wedding. I was happy to get to eat an entire slice rather than the one chunk I got on our wedding day. Then we curled up and watched our wedding video by the warm wood stove.
Hmm...year 2. I don't remember what we did! OOPS! I'll get back to you on that. I'm sure we did something.
Year 3...we have no plans for year 3. No gifts, no muss, no fuss. We've indulged in a new house, new furniture, and new toys this year so I don't think we could ask for much more without sounding like greedy little children. For me, just to look back at this past year and see what Seth has done for me with no complaints, no grumbles, no difficulty - that's gift enough. I don't think I deserve such a patient and kind husband, but I'll take him! It's been a rough year for me and I know I wouldn't have fared so well without my Seth.
I was on a computer strike over the holidays so I didn't give my hubby a proper Happy 30th Birthday shout-out on the 'ole blog. (He probably prefers that I didn't). Here are a few photos from the "family party" we had at our house. I ordered the cake for him and was SO excited to give it to him - I think he loved it!
The week of November 17th was pretty much hell. Starting the night of November 16th, I got 4 or less hours of sleep Sunday, Monday and Tuesday nights. I had no idea why I was struck with a sudden bout of insomnia, as sleep has always been no problem for me. For each night I STILL couldn't sleep, I got more and more worked up about it which made sleeping even harder. After the 3rd night of no sleeping, I called my former gynecologist's office to see if they'd fill a prescription for Xanex which my psychologist had suggested. Through some finagling, she agreed to fill it and I was able to get some sleep that night. WHEW. When I called begging for drugs, the nurse also convinced me to come in and meet one of the other doctors so I could have a physical (one for which I am way overdue). My previous doctor retired in August and I haven't gone back since because I had no idea who I wanted to see. The meet-and-greet appointment was for the next morning; it was a meeting mostly for me to get to know her before "signing on" as her newest patient. Luckily, she was awesome, she listened to me, was caring, and actually gave me some news which felt like an answer to my prayers. I found out later that she is also the same doctor of one of my mom's friends who ALSO used to struggle with anxiety. My mom knew she loved her doctor, but could never remember to ask her for her name. It's always nice to get a good referral from a friend and I felt lucky that I had randomly picked the same doctor she was seeing!
So I get to my appointment and after just a few minutes of talking with the doctor about the symptoms I've had with anxiety and other female-type issues, she simply asked if I had ever heard of PCOS? I had to control my urge to scream and cheer and kiss her all at the same time. Oddly enough, I had stumbled upon information about PCOS a while back and thought it sounded like it could be what was wrong with me. I had forgotten about it in the midst of all the anxiety and therapy and la la la la laaaaa. She just looked at me and name several red-flag symptoms of this syndrome and told me it was treatable. Just like that. Simple as that. GAH. I was happy but sort of pissed at the same time. All these years I'd been seeing the other doctor and he never mentioned it! Not even once! MEN!
I left feeling like a new woman. Just to have information to run with. Something to pin down as proof that I'M NOT CRAZY! That something really is physically wrong and that it's fixable and that I might feel better soon. One of the classic signs is weight around the waist. HI! That's me. When I got back to work my boss tells me she's got a friend who has the same thing and once she started a treatment program, the weight just melted off. I sure hope that happens to me, but I'm trying not to get my hopes up. This news brought my week to a wonderful close and I felt SO much better about life in general. I'm looking forward to getting the blood tests and then going back in January to talk treatment. I'm holding on to this diagnosis for all it's worth right now.
Important to note is that during the week described above and the following week, I wasn't going to have any meetings with my psychologist. During the last appointment with her, I asked if I could take a couple of weeks off and come back after Thanksgiving. I felt like having to talk about anxiety once a week made me focus TOO MUCH on it and was actually making it worse. She agreed and so I went without for those 2 weeks. I had my first appointment back today and was glad to be able to report some improvements, some news about my female issues, and some news about medications and how things were working.
For some reason, I wasn't looking forward to the appointment at all. I was thinking of asking her if she thought it'd be a good idea if I stopped coming every single week and spaced it out a bit more. Turns out, I didn't have to do the asking because she brought it up herself. She asked me how I thought I should proceed with therapy and counseling and when I told her my feelings she agreed. YAY! I have one more appointment with her on December 16th and after that I'm taking a break for Christmas and will go back sometime in January. There may be a new job in my future* so I told her I'd have to call her later to set up an appointment in January. I was so relieved to see that she agreed and wasn't looking down her nose at me as if I was trying to get out of counseling. I do want to go back as long as I'm still having concerns and issues, but my hope is that by releasing me from the week to week schedule, that I'll start to gain back some confidence and sanity and take a hold of my life by myself. It would be nice.
* More on this later! Stay tuned!