12.11.2008

Foul weather brings foul mood

I've been in a really crappy mood today.  The more the day wears on, the worse it gets. I've had a crazy week...crazy month...crazy several months for that matter and I'm just feeling like crap right now. Get ready to call the wahmbulance.

*Deep breath* I started taking Lexapro on Saturday morning. This is a step I wanted to avoid in my path to wellness, but alas, here I am 5 days deep into Lexapro. Psychiatric drugs scare the stuff out of me, but my doctor wanted me on it rather than Xanex because it's non-habit-forming and I could take it every day. I'm trying. I'm really trying. But it isn't fun...not yet anyway.

I'm not a big fan of medication you get from a pharmacist. I just don't like altering myself with medicine.  I'm super-sensitive to side-effects mainly because I look for them...and wait for them...and obsess over them. It's a craziness all its own.  I've never used drugs and never plan to or  had any desire to. I don't understand people wanting to feel all weird and out of body. I just don't get it. However, I was feeling desperate and I'm hoping once the Lexapro fully integrates into my system (6 weeks!) that I'll go back to feeling more like a normal person, rather than a medicated version of myself. Luckily, I've found refuge in a old friend who is also taking Lexapro. The input and feedback has helped me more than I've conveyed yet so, thank you...

Here's where my mood has gone to hell. Monday, we ride into work like a normal day. However, I had some sort of weird panic attack (over what exactly, I am not sure) that scared me to death and threw off the rest of my day. It was weird and like none I've had before. I felt like I was on fire under my skin in my chest area and I felt like I was going to be sick. I had to sit in the car with the A/C on full blast for a minute before it went away. Terrible. Tuesday, I got up having taken Lexapro the night before, and just didn't want to face another day like Monday so I called in sick.  I came back to work on Wednesday and from then on I swear I'm getting the cold shoulder from my co-workers.  They are probably just about as sick of me as I am and everyone else around me is. They are hardly speaking to me and the 2 entire questions I've been asked in the last 2 days have been asked in that way where you can tell they are forcing themselves to ask and then they don't actually care to stick around to hear your answer. The kind of question that they hope won't require more than the generic answer they're looking for. I don't know if they feel like they need to leave me alone, but I don't care.

Screw them. I could say (and feel) worse words, but my MIL reads this and I don't want her to disown me! :) I've gone through absolute personal hell as far as I'm concerned during the last 3 years.  It's progressively gotten worse starting with my current job. This is the hardest job I've ever had. Would be your average pencil-pusher type job without the phones, but answering these phones is sheer torture. If you've never done it, my stories wouldn't do the experience justice and nothing pisses me off more than people saying "Well I would've said..." or "You should say..." and then having a good haha over it all. OH SHUT UP. No one has a clue and doesn't care to have a clue. I'm that person with the life people point at and think, "I'm glad I'm not her" and then they back away slowly and change the subject. Yes, don't dare act like you're interested in someone else's life should it happen to not be all peaches-n-cream. On the other hand, there are people that try to ask me how things are, but approach me as if I'm going to break right in half if I have to utter more than 10 words. So I keep it short since clearly, you don't think I can handle a conversation.

I've gone from job woes, to emotional & personal, and anxiety & health woes during these last 3 years. I know I've been an absolute burden and PITA to my family and husband. I know everyone is so sick of me and that hurts the most. I've slowly watched people I used to talk to back away to the point that we have no contact except on few occasions. I've seen people move on, make new friends, have new lives of which I'm not a part. Even my mom who spent the better part of the last 5 years dealing with my dad's law suit is now moving into a new part of her life. I'm happy to see her happy and enjoying the company of friends she's connected with from her past. She's lost tons of weight, buys pretty clothes and things for the house and makes plans with friends. I'm happy for her, but at the same time sad, because I feel even she has left me behind in a sense. It's bittersweet because I'm so glad she's finally at a new place where she's found happiness, but at the same time, I don't feel included.

But back to my current mood and what's urking me so much today. PEOPLE. People suck. They have disappointed me over and over and over and over.  People are rude, selfish, clueless, selfish, stupid, ignorant, selfish, annoying and...did I mention selfish? GRRRRRRR. I've trusted and relied on so many people so many times who did nothing but disappoint me in the end. I'm not claiming to be perfect, but I like to think I consider others whenever I can and try not to be a completely clueless jerk when it comes to other people.  I could list for days, but I won't.

I'm just tired of caring and tired of being disappointed. I don't know how to be the jerk that it seems everyone else is. I'm just being me and I probably consider what other people think and want before I consider what I want. If that sounds like I'm tooting my own horn there, that is in fact the opposite of what I mean to convey. I worry about what others will think, what they'll say, what they'll like etc. way more than I should. It's a curse in that I have started just not doing anything so that people will have nothing to criticize. I would love to just walk away....walk into a new life with my husband and dogs, take them elsewhere and start over. I found myself and my confidence in New York City and I so wish I had gone there after college and become that me I found there in 1999. It was a personal high and I wish I could get there again.

I deserve better than this life I'm carving out for myself. I deserve to figure out how to "be normal" and happy and confident. I deserve more than this BS job. I'm a smart girl who has been exposed to one of the nastiest sides of human beings. I truly believe I've been affected by this work and I should file a Worker's Comp claim! I keep thinking that if I could only escape this job that I'd be able to start digging myself out of this hole. I don't even recognize myself anymore. I just know that I feel completely isolated (and abandoned) from everyone except Seth for the most part. God love him. I'm sure I'm to blame for that, but I can't help but feel like people just don't want to approach someone who is going through a  hard time. So they just ignore them. Good call, idiots.

2 comments:

  1. :( i'm sorry you were feeling so rotten yesterday...i hope today was a little better. at least it was sunny? people DO suck...i feel like i've been let down and betrayed so many times by "friends" i thought cared about me. i'm just now starting to recover from the paranoia of it happening again. i just recently realized that i had given myself permission to not like ANYONE because it's safer...so i nitpick and find all the negatives about everyone i meet, which is easy to do, since no one's perfect. i'm slowly trying to break that habit, but it's soooo deep in me, which makes it hard. but i guess i do kinda wonder how i would tear myself down if i met me (did that make sense?). ANYway, i can't count how many times i asked jarrad if we could just buy a houseboat and sail away from everyone and everything, and just be by ourselves without all the other stupid people to mess things up. (it's from a book i read...don't judge me).

    just wanted you to know that i can relate, even if i haven't felt as desperate (i don't think i'd last in that job of yours).

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