7.30.2008

The proof is in the platinum leather, ya'll

Aaaaaaaand....she finally did it! My mom bought a new car after driving around with no a/c for 2 years. I'm so proud (sniff sniff, *tear*).

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Licensed to drive

I'm SO excited. My mom is actually buying a brand new car for herself today or tomorrow. This is earth-shattering news. The last time my parent's bought a car was in 2003 I think and they bought a 2000 van with 35,000 miles on it. BLEH. Before that, the last time they bought a brand new car for themselves was 1991. Geesh. Mom is getting herself a fancy new GMC Acadia and we're all holding our breath until it happens for sure. I'll post a picture to prove it when it's in her driveway.

7.29.2008

bloggitty blog blog blog

There are few people out there who are aware of my struggle(s) with careers v. jobs, my own personal happiness, and the beast I dare not speak of....depression.  I'd say Seth and my mom are about it as far as my circle of confidants go, and I've managed to keep it that way for quite sometime (and I'm quite sorry for the yuckiness I've inflicted on them over the course of several years. - yep, years).  However hard I've tried to figure out the key to my personal happiness, I've failed miserably and that's depressing and pathetic.

Turning 30 this year sort of forced me to realize I've got to get a hold of certain things in life and stop hoping I'll "grow out of them" or that someone else would fix my problems.  Adulthood definitely doesn't work the way you think it does when you're 20-something and fresh out of college - it's actually poopy and makes me long for those days of sitting around the dorm with my girls talking about any and everything and laughing until we can't breathe.  I've seen myself change in ways I would have never hoped to and that's scary.  I have thought things I would have never hoped to and that's even scarier.  But...such is life and I understand that I can not escape the life that's been given to me and go lead someone else's more fun and care-free life.

Problem 1: My job. dun dun dunnn.  I've had exactly 4 since I graduated from college in 2000 and I swear it feels like a million.  I majored in nothing-fancy-enough-for-any-employer-to-desire so while it is sort of nice to be able to look at jobs doing just about anything, at the same time, people tend to want to hire someone with a bit more specific of a background.  I left college with ambitions of working in television or some other sort of media, but when the real world hit and I began looking for jobs, all that ambition deflated.  It's hard to keep that going when you live in NC and not NYC or LA.  So...I just took the first thing that paid well and stayed there for 3 years.

After realizing I could drop off the face of the earth and no one at work would notice for probably 6 months, I decided I needed to go back to school to learn a new skill that would allow me to be a part of something. Something special and creative and fun and interactive.  I studied Interior Design - buuuut, then I got engaged and got lazy and never finished (I did get 1.5 years done! WOo). Then I took my current job after hating feeling like "just an administrative assistant" and while at this job I'm missed if I'm gone for 10 minutes, this is NOT the work I want to do forever.  It's challenging and demanding, yet rewarding in the most twisted of ways, but I'm not cut out to take the abuse that our completely ignorant, rude, disrespectful, down-right crappy citizens dish out day in and day out.  But...I've resigned myself to sticking it out until the end of this administration so I can justify the trip to Hawaii (or Italy! or VEGAS! or.. or.. or.. or.. or) as a reward for making it through. ha. (I might want to break this news to Seth before I book my plane tickets, you think?)

Problem 2: is much larger than I can begin to explain. I'll attempt to hypothesize on it's origin. Father brain-injured thanks to the a-hole heart surgeons at Duke.  However, father still living.  Father is being cared for by mother.  Father can not be left alone. EVER.  Father has hard time remembering things.  Father is not the father I once knew and is essentially dead.  Mother cried for 5 years.  Mother doing much better now. Mother the strongest woman I know.  MOTHER SUED THE PANTS OFF DUKE UNIVERSITY MEDICAL CENTER. Mother is amazing.  I don't tell mother this, but I think it all the time.  Kelley has lost father.  Kelley lost mother for 5 years.  Kelley never shared true feelings with anyone regarding loss of father.  Kelley wonders how the last 5 years came to cause panic attacks and anxiety which are dangerously close to baaaaad. Really bad. Kelley does not love self.  Kelley not happy for self and can not be happy for others.  Kelley would give anything to have never met the father she's got now and knows that old father would give anything to have never had to be the father he his now. and blaaaaahhhhhh. I could go on and on.

There are so many things "wrong with me" that I think have explanations but since I'm not a psychiatrist/psycologist/therapist/counselor, I don't know why I behave and think and feel like I do and where the behaviors were learned.  I thought for a while it was my job...and still could be in part. In fact, I'm sure it had a GREAT deal to do with my panic attacks.  Having to take calls from verbally abusive individuals while having to keep your cool (and your language appropriate) during severe adrenaline rushes (think "fight or flight" response) is extremely difficult and wreaks all sorts of havoc on ones mind and body.  For the last 5 years, my mom has been the one that deserves to cry and deserves to break down b/c this happened to her HUSBAND. Her relationship is not the same as father/daughter and I have felt that my breakdown couldn't happen so I distanced myself from it (which causes me to ignore my father whenever I'm around him - sounds awful, huh?)  But I can't help but think my squashing of emotions about my dad has something to do with some of this stuff.  I'm trying to work up the nerve to talk to someone who can help me sort it out. My mom has a masters in counselor education, but you know I can't get counseled by my momz. If only.

However.

I sense something good coming.  Something good for my insides and something incredibly personally delicious.  I've discovered the awesomeness of women bloggers.  Via an episode of Throwdown with Bobby Flay, I tracked down Amy who I'm loving. She's a mommyblogger in the DC area and while I don't know her from Adam's house cat (as my mom would say), I've loved reading her blog. It's been like a book I couldn't put down and in just a weeks time, I've read her blogs from 2005 to the present. From her blogging, I've discovered this amazing world of wonderful women writers whose blogs I've scanned and I find myself completely envious of the worlds they've created with their blogs. It makes me want to write.

I realized that I've done tons of specialized writing at my job. So...is this the something good that's going to come out of this job situation? Has it helped me realize what I'll do to be able to contribute to the world? I've said for years when asked "what will make you happy in your job?" that I just wanted to feel needed and like I was contributing something. I've also said I wanted to be able to be creative in my work.  So I think after writing literally thousands (OMG yes, it's true. sheesh) of letters for Governor Easley I have earned the right to *think* "I might like to be a writer. I think I might be good at it." And then a wave of guilt crashes over me since my mom just generously paid for me to complete a one-year paralegal program.  I've yet to share my wonders about writing with her - maybe I need to do a bit more thinking and wondering before I commit.

However.

Everyone close to me knows I'm not good at committing (think: wedding plans (not the husband), house, paint colors, job, CARS! Oh, the cars!). The only things I've not second-guessed in life are 1. husband, 2. doggie, 3. engagement ring (haha. but seriously, STILL love it), and 4. wearing flip flops in the summer is awesome. Other than that, it seems whenever I make a big decision I inevitably wonder later "what if" about the alternatives and then convince myself that my life would've been better had I chosen the other. Then I long to go back and change things so I can prove that life would've been better.

See, I'm all kinds of messed up and I've now put it out there. Ick. I'll probably second-guess this tomorrow and delete it.

7.24.2008

iPhone goodness

So, I made the move to Wordpress thanks to my new iPhone 3G.  I knew about the applications feature of the new software and really wanted to be able to blog directly from my phone if the occasion arose. For example, while traveling or if something hilarious or terrible happened and I wanted to capture it to share with the masses. So far, nothing has come up due to the fact that I've not veered from my monotonous daily routine in quite a while (plus, the phone is a mere 13 days old).

However, the post directly below is my first test at blogging from the iPhone. I took that photo of my phone at work with the incredibly accurate tiny sign and posted that entry from my phone. I'm looking forward to being able to blog more on our upcoming trips to Boone/ASU and when we go to Boston in September.

7.17.2008

TeeVee

We love some TV in our house. That's perhaps a bad thing in the grand scheme of things, but oh how I love reality TV. It wouldn't be right of me to miss an episode of any such guilty pleasure!

Since summer is upon us that means no new episodes of our fave programs. boooo. However, I have come upon several new summer shows that I'm currently loving. Here's a list of what I'm watching: Denise Richards: It's Complicated, The Two Coreys, Tori & Dean: Home Sweet Hollywood, Living Lohan, Legally Blonde: The Search for the New Elle Woods, The First 48, and Colorsplash (this one isn't new, but I LOVE it).

OK! Now that I've linked you to death...I have decided that watching celebrities on TV probably comes closer to accurate than reading about them in the tabloids and gossip magazines. While I'm well-aware of the magic of editing, I still like to believe that the editors don't leave all of the "true self" footage on the cutting room floor and that we're really getting an accurate view of their real lives and real personalities. I've always been a loyal fan to a fault (read: Clay Aiken) and will pull for these folks when everyone else is pushing. I do give up at times when they really cross the lines with the oddities (read: Clay Aiken), although I can't say I've ever turned full force from being a fan to hating anyone.

I just discovered The Two Coreys the other night and have apparently missed an entire first season. I caught up on Season 2 on Tuesday and watched 4 episodes. This show follows the 2 big Coreys of the 80's - Corey Feldman and Corey Haim. They were apparently BFFs during the 80s and looooong story short - they have a major war going on. Haim is messed up - I feel bad for him. I hope the seasons ends well. Their relationship is so odd. I can't even describe it. I could say "They love each other," but then would immediately be forced to say "They hate each other and can't be in the same room sometimes." It's really a "yougottawatchityourself" type of show.

A&E has good stuff. I might have to put it near HGTV & Food Network as "channel I watch alotalotalotalot." We'll see. So far, they're supplying me with 2 Coreys and the First 48 - which our life insurance agent recommended to us - and it's all about people who get murdered and the homicide detective's first 48 hours after the murder. Odd recommendation from an unlikely source.

I don't usually TiVo many shows on HGTV and Food Network because it seems I'm already watching them anyway - no need to record. However, I have really gotten into Colorsplash recently. I love David's style and designs. I don't think there's been a room yet that I've not loved and would want in my own house...besides a kids room or something. I'm not totally sure when his show comes on so I started TiVoing it - besides, it's way better to be able to fast forward through commercials than to sit through them. I have a nerdy confession, though - part of why I love his show is the gorgeous cinematography - it's like Everyday Italian - so beautifully shot and it makes my desire to live in California even stronger.

Hope that I can get off my butt at some point and not watch TV, but really, what else is there to do? I know, I know, get on the elliptical, however - it's BROKEN! Yes, after only 3 or 4 uses, the plastic cover on the "guts" has worn down and is getting shaved off as it spins (so I guess I shouldn't use it) so we're having to have a repair dood come check it out. Until then - it's TV time.

7.11.2008

This...



...is what got my husband out of bed at 6:20 this morning (as opposed to his normal 7:10 or so) and out of the house at 7:05 (as opposed to our normal 7:50.

He's got both our old iPhones in his possession as he waits ever-so-patiently in line for one singular bright shiny new iPhone 3G. Last year, Seth got an iPhone on day one...and I got mine on day two. The same formula will ensue this year. I would never deny my Apple-loving hubby the joy of getting his hands on the first iPhone in our house (even though I will secretly be wanting mine like NOW! but I can wait). I like to think my patience in the electronics & gadgets arena make for a good marriage.

Seth first went to an AT&T store near our house. He reported back that they only had 25 phones and that there were more people in line than 25. Makes you wonder why even person 26 and up are even standing there. You'd think that person 26 would just keep appearing and then leaving, appearing then leaving when they found out their unfortunate fate of being #26. I wonder how many of them drove off thinking, "DARN! If I had only left the house 10 seconds earlier, would I have been lucky #25?!?"

Anyway, so Seth got to the Apple Store at Crabtree at 8:00 to get in line. He reported later that the lines were slow because AT&T servers were very slow. At one time he had about 150 people in front of him, but at last update there were 30 people in front of him. I'm thinking his day at the office is a wash, but I know George is hoping he'll come back soon to get a glimpse of the phone (that's mostly b/c he's a loser).

They are limiting people to one phone per customer which I find stupid b/c HEY! how many men do you think are there that have WIVES waiting in the wings for these things. GEESH. I shall get mine tomorrow hopefully. Last year, we were able to swoop in the next day and get one, no lines, no headaches, no problem. It inspired me to point and laugh at all those fools that waited for hours the previous day. To me, there's nothing to be said for standing in line on day one "just to say you were there." You were miserable and no one cared 24 hours later. Yep, you're the big deal for sure, playa.

7.01.2008

Good measure...


I can't NOT share this adorable pic of my darling Westie with her favorite pink ball!

De-fatting

Behold...the fancy new machine that is going to magically suck 30+ pounds off my fat a$$.

No, really - now that I'm posting pictures of this, all 4 of you that read this blog will know I'm supposed to be using it and can point and laugh at me if you see me making no progress. I'm putting it out there for everyone to know - I'm fat and I'm attempting to do something about it...again.

This elliptical is quite fancy - although it's no Precor. Sorry, we just don't have a spare 3 grand laying around for ses and gees. However, we got this one b/c it was the cheapest one with a power incline ramp. I was shocked to see how many ellipticals don't an incline feature AT ALL - even a manual one. I don't get that - half the fun of using one is getting that feeling that you're suddenly walking up a huge hill and that works a whole other set of muscles.

This one also has a cool thing to plug your mp3 player into (or in my case, an iPhone) and it's got external speakers so I don't have to use those uncomfortable ear buds that make my ears hurt after 20 mins. It sounds pretty decent, too. Also, you can buy these little program cards from iFit and this nice lady will talk you through a workout program. It's snazzy.

Hopefully having a whole entire room for this thing, it being right under a ceiling fan, it having a cool way to hook up my iPhone and it being in my own home will be attractive to me and I'll want to use it. For the price we paid - I BETTER use it! I'm 30 and 30+ pounds heavier than I should be - it's now or never. Wish me luck!