I've debated all morning about whether or not to post about Mother's Day 2011. I'm sure my husband will read this and tell me I should take it down before someone runs to my mom telling her to read her daughter's blog. But I decided that this IS MY blog and I'll write what I feel. I'll write what I can't seem to say to anyone other than my husband and God love him, sometimes that's just not enough. Other ears and hearts should be open to hearing what I feel and think, but for the past 10 years, those ears and hearts seem closed and not accessible which has caused me a lot of pain.
All week last week I saw girls replacing their Facebook profile pictures with pics of their dear mothers, or pics of them with their dear mothers and reading wall posts about how great and wonderful their mothers are and how their mothers are their best friends and blah, blah, blah. I'll admit, this grossed me out and made me feel nothing but ickyness toward those people. Clearly, it's not that I think a mother-child relationship is icky, but I know in my heart, it's jealousy.
Many of you know that almost 10 years ago my dad became brain-injured after open-heart surgery at the WORLD HELL-HOLE of a medical center and the same one WHO RUINS FAMILIES' LIVES, Duke University Medical Center. I cringe to even type those letters. Over the course of the past 10 years, I've watched my mom care for my dad, continue to work 40 hour work weeks, travel for work, and still try to be normal to the best of her ability. She's made it, but not unscathed.
My mom is a broken soul caring for a broken shell of a husband if you even still want to call him that. The story of the 10 years in between is too long and detailed to get into here, but has left me feeling parent-less. Not only did I for sure lose my dad, but his shell has taken my mom from me and has destroyed the mother-daughter future we could have had. I have tried to convey that to her, but I never know if the message gets through because before the conversations are over, the focus turns back to how very hard life is on her.
As selfish as it sounds, my feelings feel meaningless because I know my mom can always trump me. I've not felt there was any room for my feelings in 10 years because no matter what I have felt, my mom has felt it times 1,000. So I've just shut the hell up. I've told Seth and no one else. No one else get its.
You ask what I'm doing for my mom for Mother's Day? How was my Mother's Day? Was it a great day? Did you cook? What did you get her?
Truth: It sucked. She asked for nothing, I gave her nothing. The moodiness and grumpiness and passive-aggressive side in us all came out making for an awkward evening held up SOLELY by my caring husband who wanted nothing more than to diffuse the evening.
I'm guilty of the moodiness sometimes, too, but this time I honestly couldn't have cared less. The night before, I knew my mom was driving back from Cullowhee, NC, which was about a 5-6 hour drive. I texted her to make sure she was driving safely. I got 2 blank texts back. I called her thinking something might have been wrong with her phone and she basically yelled at me. Gee. Sorry I was trying to check to make sure you were driving safely. I won't do it again.
So I was bothered by what seemed to me an over-reaction. The "woe is me" vibe follows pretty much everyone in my family like a shadow. You never know what you're going to get when they walk in the door, myself included on occasion.
Mother's Day and certainly Father's Day are only reminders that my family is completely effed-up. That my mother isn't happy and that my father isn't here. That no matter what I do for my mom, it doesn't make her life better. That moods can shift in a matter of seconds bringing the "weather" in the room from sunshine and rainbows to dark clouds and thunder. For no discernible reason.
So, no, we didn't have a good Mother's Day. I just wanted it to end so the interwebs would stop blabbing about it and how great their mother's are. Mine is sad and broken and I miss her.